Studies show that young people with higher levels of confidence and self esteem are less likely to rely on technology. This means it should be a goal of ours to focus on activities that help young people build their confidence and self esteem, knowing it will reduce the chances of being drawn to tech to feel validated.

Similarly, higher levels of resilience mean that people will be less likely to turn to tech to make them comfortable. Not only are they ok with being uncomfortable, but they have strategies to turn to before tech to help them navigate challenges.

For parents and educators, there’s a real need to de-intensify your approach to child rearing. You don’t need to protect them from all discomfort, they don’t need to be happy all the time, and you don’t need to look at what others are doing (such as letting their kids on screens) to determine what’s normal. You’re not your child’s entertainer, you’re their guide.

This isn’t always easy though, and requires resilience and bravery from parents and educators. By working this, you’ll find yourself less likely to constrain your young people’s activity to the indoors, to time where you’re around all the time, and to the necessary negative emotions that will accompany disappointment!

One of the most powerful lessons we teach at Risky Kids is differentiating between risk, and harm. So often families and educators are afraid that if a young person is harmed, especially if playing or doing physical activities, that they’ve failed and the young person will be traumatised for life. The idea of a scraped knee or a broken bone, the judgement that goes along with it from other parents or even within the family, is the worst thing imaginable!

However, real harm is lifelong. Skin heals, bones mend, but stunted emotional, physical and intellectual development from tech overuse is forever. Anxiety disorders, social apprehension, avoidance of challenges and discomfort, metabolic dysfunction from inactivity at critical stages of development, all of these are with us for far longer, or forever, when compared to unfortunate, but relatively temporary pain.

We have to be better at seeing the real harm and responding to it as the parents, educators and guides of young people.

We need to take steps to disconnect as many associations with technology as we can. To reframe it from being something we need, to something that we use and control. One of the most common things we ask of families at Risky Kids is no technology for 60 minutes before coming to class. This helps prevent associations forming between stopping, and coming to classes.

Similarly, we want to teach young people that technology when used for comfort, or to reduce feelings of challenge, is diminishing us. We need to replace that with real strategies around navigating these difficult moments, but also acceptance of them. Rather than running away or trying to pave over negative emotions, observing and understanding them.

If Counter-Conditioned, we have to rebuild a healthy response to conflict, and prevent ourselves from both injecting emotion into moments, or allowing returns of technology to be associated with these moments. Rather than arguing and then returning tech out of a sense of guilt. Speak calmly, and only return the tech once key agreements and conditions have been met.

You must, absolutely must, build into your family a set of conditions, expectations and agreements around how technology is to be used by young people, and then consistently enforce them.

Some simple examples that families use in our community that are highly effective include:

• First off, be present in their usage. Understand what they’re doing and why! Ask questions, be interested and where possible when they’re using it, watch and participate.
• Activate parental controls and monitoring software for children under an age you agree on as a family (for example, under the age of 13),
• Access without monitoring should be something which is discussed and agreed upon as a family based on responsible usage,
• Devices should only be used in the main living areas, never in bedrooms before a certain age,
• Clear rules on what it can and cannot be used for, and when,
• Family discussions on how technology can be harmful, and keeping abridged of new programs, software and trends and having regular discussion around it all,
• Technology for entertainment should be a reward, not an expectation,
• Remember the goal isn’t to simply have “less tech” but more experiences and living!

Most of all, if any of the agreements that you form as a family are broken, the consequences must be clear, delivered every time, and consistent between all family members and instances.

Of course the hardest part is what we do as adults! Our behaviour is watched closely, and when we’re on our devices non stop, even if we’re working, any attempt to claim it’s unhealthy for them and not for us isn’t going to get very far.

We have to monitor and regulate our own tech use, make sure that we’re present when young people are with us as much as possible, be involved with and interested in what they’re doing, and at times also spend time apart where we’re working on our own things that aren’t tech related!

Speak out loud about this as well, about when you want to be better at using tech less and living more, about things you want to do and work towards. You don’t have to be perfect, but it needs to be visible.

In many ways, helping to overcome tech use is about doing less, not more. It’s about letting young people be more independent, trusting them more, reducing the intensity that you face and feel and improving your own tech use as well as an added benefit!

Tech overuse is a real challenge that we face, and it’s emerged out of unprecedented times in the way our world is growing and shaping. Our ability to face it, and shape it into something positive and successful though is just as present.